How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!

***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal!

FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.

HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?

This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!

I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok!

On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.

What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.

Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u.

How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!

Y did the cannibal rush 2 the cafeteria? He heard kids were half price.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Crazy Pranks & Hilarious Gags - great to play on your dumb blonde friends

In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy.

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!

Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.

Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?
A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start anything.

Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

You may be recognized soon. Hide.

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me

Mind intentionally left blank...

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Born Free........Taxed to Death.

I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.

Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now...

Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

You are so beautiful, sweet and faithful... It is a pity that I do not like animals!!!

I think you are ugly and stupid, You are a real pain in the …... Wait a moment.... oh no, I do have the right number...

A fart is a flying planet, created by God and produced by men!

Why do men fart more often than women ? Because women do not keep their mouth shut long enough to build up the pressure..

Some people die. Others become a teacher...

The more the merrier. The more women, the more prettier.

If I ever die because of marihuana, mark on my grave, I am too stoned to get up!!

You know when you are really too fat? When you are on the beach and Greenpeace carries you back to the sea.

When are you really full of confidence? .............. If you fart having diarrhoea.

If people dont sit at Chaplins feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting.

Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?

I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.



Where there's a will, I want to be in it

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy

Never miss a good chance to shut up

All computers wait at the same speed

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How come night falls but day breaks?

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

If we quit voting will they all go away?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)

I'm not getting older...I'm getting bitter

When all else fails manipulate the data

I'm as confused as a termite in a yo-yo

Insanity is my only means of relaxation

No guts, no glory, no brain, same story

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier

When money talks, the criminal walks

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Everyone is entitled to my opinion

If it ain't chocolate, it ain't dessert

I don't work here. I'm a consultant

Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes

The best things in life aren't things

I like feminists; I think they're cute

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable

Does killing time damage eternity?

How can there be self-help groups?

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy

BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy

Have a nice day. . . somewhere else

Guilt -- the gift that keeps on giving

Exceptions always outnumber rules

Adults are just kids who owe money

All stressed out and no one to choke

Constipated people don't give a crap

I may not be perfect, but I'm all I got

Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Fuck Me...are those real?

Be unique and different, just say yes.

Can I flirt with you?

Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.

Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.

Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.

Umh, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

Darling, I'm new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house.

I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!

I've got the ship, you've got the harbour ... what say we tie up for the night?

I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

If you don't wanna have kids with me, then why don't we just practice?

Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.

Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.

Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

Celibacy is not hereditary

Familiarity breeds children

Life is sexually transmitted

We do precision guesswork

Born free . . . Taxed to death

If it's too loud, you're too old

Common sense isn't common

Nothing succeeds like excess

Do pilots take crash-courses?

If it ain't broke, fix it until it is

The older I get, the older old is

Relax, its only Ones and Zeros

A closed mouth gathers no feet

Do witches run spell checkers?

I don't get even . . . . . I get odder

Allow me to introduce my selves

A feature is a bug with seniority

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Justice: A decision in your favor

Strip mining prevents forest fires

A waist is a terrible thing to mind

Do not disturb. Already disturbed

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Today's subliminal message is . . .

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend

I think about you when I masturbate.

Are we related? Do you want to be?

Can you say constantinople backwards? Me neither, but I just wanted to ask.

Can you spell ICUP. I-C-U-P. You saw me pee.

Do you know how to use a whip?

Excuse me, do you live around here often?

Excuse me, I am about to go masturbate and needed a name to go with the face.

Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?

Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?

Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.

Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.) "'Cause they're mine sweetheart."

I am very, very lonely, and I was wonderin'...

I know a great way to burn off the calories in that pastry you just ate.

I'm not trying anything, I always put my hands there.