I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?

If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bathwater.

Like the look of your crotch.

Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?

Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.

Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?

You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfeed by you until I'm 20.

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar raise!

You're like milk, I just wanna make you part of my complete breakfast

Be unique and different, say yes.

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?

Hi. Are you cute?

I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a little.

I'm easy. Are you?

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I'm allergic to sex.

Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

So....How am I doin'?

Do you have a boyfriend? No. Want one?

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

I'm bigger and better than the Titanic ... only 200 woman went down on the Titanic

I'm good at maths, U+I=69

I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I'm allergic to sex.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK

Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.

Please help the homeless. Take me home with you...

Wanna come and see my Hard Drive? Babe, I promise you it ain't 3.5 inches and it sure ain't floppy.

What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?

Will you be my Xmas cracker? I'd really like to pull you.

Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?

You are a 9.999. Well, you'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me.

You're good at mathematics, right? Would you say 69 was a perfect square?

Your Daddy must have been a Baker, cos you got the nicest set of buns I've ever saw.

Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy/girlfriend?

I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.

Grab yer bag Doll...you've just pulled...

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest lady on earth tonight.

If beauty were an hour, you'd be a second.

There's just one thing your eyes haven't told me yet....you're name.

Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.) "Cause they're mine sweetheart."

I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated.

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

I just wanted to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you are!

If a women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You should answer: "Yeah! Do you have the energy?"

The only thing that matters is that we're together.

I'm sorry, were you talking to me? Her: No. Well then, please start. .

Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

Is you father a lumberjack Because when ever I look at you, I get wood in my pants.
I've just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find your G-spot.

Hey...somebody farted. Let's get out of here.

Say, did we go to different schools together?

The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

Wait until the end of the evening when everything is real hazy and alcohol soaked, walk up to someone you've never met and say, "Come on, we're leaving."

You see my friend over there? He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

You know, you're very easy on the eyes...and very hard on my erection.

Want to come into the garden see my big juicy tomatoes?

Want to come into the garden see my big hard cucumbers?

You are so beautiful that I would crawl ten miles on my hands and knees through broken glass just to jerk off in your shadow.

Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

As you walk by, turn around and say: Excuse me, did you just touch my ass? No. Damn!

I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Do you have any Irish in you? (if no…) Would you like some? (if yes…) Want some more?

Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?

Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?

Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow-job? [No!] Do you want to do lunch?

Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.

Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?

I'm a frog but if u kiss me I'll turn into a prince

Excuse me, I am about to go home to masturbate and needed a name to go with the face.

Excuse me, I'm looking for a friend...do you want to be my friend?

For a fat chick, you sure have small tits.

Gee, for a fat girl you sure don't sweat much.

Go up to a girl, ask her: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" She says no. Then wink.

Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.

Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night long, and think it's time to see if I'm right.

Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it, and say, "Now that I've broken the ice, lets talk"

Nice dress, it'd look good on my bedroom floor.



4 REASONS Y DOGS R BETTER DAN WOMEN
dogs obey wen u shout @ dem
dogs dont shop
u can giv away ur dogs children
any guy can get a good lookin dog!

Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty..so the world needs YOU after all!

This sms can only be read by someone SEXY
try again
again
maybe you are
just not sexy?
one more time
hey don't force it ugly!!!

I look at the moon, the moon is beautiful... I look at you.. I.. I'd rather look at the moon again..

As you go through life you are going to have many opportunities to keep your mouth shut. Take advantage of all of them.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not...

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife, Marrying you really messed up my life...

Roses r red, violets r blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are u.
But da roses r wilting, da violets r dead, da sugar bowl's empty and so is ur head!

Do I look like a damn people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Haven't I seen your face before - on a police poster?

Look who's talking - I bet when you go to the zoo you have to buy two tickets:
one to get in and another to get out.

I think the sun shines out of your arse.

Well, you're living proof that even a turd can be polished.

Let's be honest with each other . . .
we've both come here for the same reasons.

Yes, you're right. Let's go and pull some girls.

Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today

Brains aren't everything.
In fact in your case they're nothing

Don't let you mind wander
- it's far too small to be let out on its own

He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" -
but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words

I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works

Your face looks like you've been using it as a doorstop

If your face had "Welcome" written on it,
it would make a perfect doormat

If you put your face by a door,
no one would ever come in

Your face is such a mess,
when you practice diving why don't you make sure the pool has water in next time.

Your face is such a mess,
why don't you get your dog something different to chew on ?

Them: Here's 10p - go and tell your mum you're not coming home
You: Here's a pound - go and buy yourself some breath freshener

Them: I never forget a face
You: Neither do I but in your case I'll make an exception

Haven't I seen your face before - on a police poster?

Look who's talking - I bet when you go to the zoo you have to buy two tickets: one to get in and another to get out.

I think the sun shines out of your arse.
Well, you're living proof that even a turd can be polished.

Let's be honest with each other . . . we've both come here for the same reasons.
Yes, you're right. Let's go and pull some girls.

Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today

Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing

Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own

He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words

I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works

Your face looks like you've been using it as a doorstop
Your face would not only stop a door, but also most clocks and a herd of charging buffalo

If your face had "Welcome" written on it, it would make a perfect doormat

If you put your face by a door, no one would ever come in

Your face is such a mess, when you practice diving why don't you make sure the pool has water in next time.

Your face is such a mess, why don't you get your dog something different to chew on ?
Your face is such a mess, you should stop reading before slamming the book shut

Your face doesn't look like a doorstep, it looks like the door just kept going

Your face is such a mess, you must stop using it to hammer in nails

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

You're about as subtle as a gynecologist wearing a gas mask and a hair net.

You're about as challenging as stealing candy from a bi-polar baby in a bell-jar.

Peanut prizes inspire monkey contestants.

May the horses break their harnesses trying to pull my dick out of your mother!

Are you typing with your forehead, again?

He who laughs last has no sense of humor.

Cigarette, A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.

A rose by any other name still has thorns.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

Never deprive someone of hope - it may be all they have.

There you go again, flushing the sweet milk of human kindness through the U-bend of cynicism.

He has no equal. Everyone else is better.

You are proof that God has a sense of humor.

He dips Sparrows in Peroxide and sells them as Canaries.

His idea of a practical joke is to go into the Home for the Blind and flatten out all the Braille.

A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

People like him don't just grow on trees - they swing from them

When he dies, they'll bury him face down, so that he can see where he's going.

He campaigned to have the only Bar in his town closed. When it did, he moved away.

He'll take off his jacket and put it on the seat next to him on the train, just to stop a pregnant lady from sitting down.

He folds his newspaper on the bus so that the guy sitting across from him has to read the news upside down.

You couldn't warn to him even if you were both cremated together.

We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.

You get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, pushing you luck, beating around the bush, and dodging the issue.

Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.

He would throw a drowning man both ends of the rope just to see the look on his face.

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

Get a glass belly button, so when your head is real far up your butt, you can look out and see what the rest of the world is up to.

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Why don't you freeze your teeth and give your tongue a sleigh ride?

Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He's so full of shit, his eyes are brown.

He's running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

You're so weak, you couldn't knock a sick whore off a shit pot.

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?!

Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.

If you can laugh at yourself, you've got a really sick sense of humor.

Mother Nature is a supreme bitch.

Is that a comeback? For fuck's sake, I wipe my ass with sharper stuff than this.

He fashions himself as an Insult Samurai. Insult Kamikaze is more apt.

Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.



smile it scares ppl

milk duz the body gud, but damm how much did u drink :S

Armed n Dangerous

Learn the rules...then break em

Giv a mouse its cookie, he will want a glass ov milk

did i have climb 100 mountains 2 get 2 u :S wen all u had 2 do is smile 2 get 2 me ?

Life is short an so am I

Its nice to be important, but its more important to be nice

Im 98 beautiful and 2 carzy or is it the other way round?

How many hot, rich, funny, sweet guys are there out there? ......two, but they're dating each other

The only driving you've done all day is driving me crazy.

The road is full of flat squirrels, who couldn't make up their mind

You say you hate me,And i know that it is true,But why cant i stop thinking of you

Im like a parking ticket, i hav 'FINE' written all over me

The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese

i'm not gifted i'm weird

i have u in my heart i have u in my liver if i had u in my arms i'd throw u in da river

Poof Be Gone Your Breath Is Too Strong Poof Come Back I Found A Tic-tac

Ur not da brightest crayon in da box now r ya?

a ladybug is not a ladybug without its spots

ur as fake as press on nails

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Life is short
so PARTY we must

Thats what u say, now what are u thinking?

YoU cOnFuSe Me...

dOn'T tRy 2 FigUrE mE , jUst lUv mE.

DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF

God made special people and I am one of them

I thought I loved you, but I guess I didn't, Love makes no sense.

Don't hate tha star hate the fame

EverOne Deserves To Feel Pretty...
So Leave Me Alone

It's hard to answer the question
-What's wrong?- when nothing rite

i'm so great, i'm jealous of myself

ChEeRlEaDeR(n.) : An AtHlEtE wHo CaN jUmP, kICk, ToSs, CaTcH, sTuNt, tUmBlE, aNd FlY

jUsT bEcAuSe i LiVE iN tHe cItY dOeSn'T mEaN i'M nOt wIlD

always go 2 bed lookin ur bed, coz u neva no hu u r gonna meet in ur dreams

?¿if u say u had the best dream last night then how come (name) wasn't in it?¿

i cRiEd tOdAy.. nOt bEaCaUsE i mIsS u.. oR eVeN wAnTeD u bUt bEcAuSe i fInAlLy rEaLiZeD iM gOnNa b AlRiTe wItH oUt u

Mistakes are made, you pay for them.. then you do it again

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know whut I should feed it.